Thursday, July 4, 2013

Giving it All Up, I'm Becoming a Wallflower

This week I promised myself I wouldn't swear, I wouldn't use twitter, and I wouldn't consume fast food. This is harder than quitting smoking was, holy cow.

Oddly enough, giving up twitter was the hardest, and still is. Granted, I've been more lenient on the terms in which I could or couldn't use twitter. For example, originally I promised myself absolutely no twitter, whatsoever. However, as the days progressed, I started "stalking" my close friends profiles, out of sheer loneliness, but never actually logging in to twitter. But of course, I had to step it up once more, and then I logged on once to change my profile picture. Since then, I promised myself absolutely no twitter, and also upped the ante on both twitter, and fast food. The rule change has now been set to "No twitter/fast food until I'm no longer dependent." Dear god, give me strength.

The profanity is a different story. I have also decided I'm going to go without profanity until I don't naturally have the mouth of a sailor. Which, that's cool and all, three cheers for self control, but there's a problem. I don't even notice when I do it most of the time, but when I do, I just get mad at myself, but that's actually all that happens. I get mad for a swift moment, and just move along like nothing happened. I'm going to need to figure out some other way to stop this.

Yeah it's hard to do all this, especially at once, but man, the lack of twitter? That is difficult. I've grown SO accustomed to just saying anything and everything that's on my mind, and now if I just say my thoughts. Who am I going to tell? Myself? I look like the biggest schizophrenic. I have no one to tell. I've just had to keep everything to myself, and I feel so numb from doing so.

Granted, finding this numbness was actually a spark in disguise. Becoming numb from having given up twitter, has made me think. How can someone become so attached to a thing, a website. Like, twitter is just kind of 'there', and yet, I miss it like when one of your best school friends transfers schools. You know they're out there somewhere, but it's not really plausible to keep in tough with them, eventually they'll move on and be just a memory.

I have pretty much come to terms with my drastic personification of twitter, but the more weighing thought I've been having is one I've carried with me as long as I can remember, and that's that I am a horrible, needy, conniving, liar. It seems as though I am always up to something, and though I usually don't act on it because I know it's bad, immoral, or not right, the fact that I still have the thoughts drives me absolutely insane. People tell me to think positively, look at it like "well at least you didn't act upon the thoughts" but frankly, it's just not enough for me. I want to be a wholly good person, but I still have countless flaws that I keep heavily surveilled to ensure they never get out of control. I know they're there though, and it frightens me.

I find it a bit odd that a loss of twitter has pushed me to remember my character flaws, but hey, I'm not really questioning it, I'm busy trying to find myself. Yes, I know the following statement is going to reiterate personifying websites but, It feels nice to put that into words and get that out of my system though. So thank you--err.. me? Whatever. Maybe someone will read this one day, then I won't have to be so confused as to who or what I'm thanking.
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