Tis the end of an era

Look, I know it's been a couple months since the last update. However, there hasn't been much to update. In short, I quit my job about a month after the last update. In response, I paid off all my credit card debt, and took the opportunity to use the majority of my free time to do work on the properties. So, aside from some bouts of depression, that's mostly what I've been spending my free time working on.

Today was the bf's birthday, and we did nothing.

That being said, the reason I came to do an update, is that after about a decade, My last "real" friendship has come to an end. 

Now, this is really a week in the making, as however it happened, we were on the phone and got to talking about how, for at least the last two years I've been feeling neglected in the friendship, and as I described how it's felt, it all started to make me realize a lot about the specifics as to why and how I've really been feeling. I guess I had never really put enough thought into the feelings to actually make myself realize what the problem really was. In response, basically every rebuttal my friend would make was just making things worse and making me feel pretty worthless. As a last ditch effort to save any semblance of the relationship, we agreed to end the call with the potential of picking up at a later date.

Now, I had already been mentally and/or emotionally struggling for a few days by the time this conversation happened, so in response I had blocked this friend on everything I could, as well as other unrelated parties like both of the bf's parents, my mother, my grandmother, etc. 

About a week later, I was in a much better place and opted to unblock everyone.

Somehow, the friend had reached out, and offered to come over to help try to find our property line. We were unsuccessful, but afterwards we got to talking about the last time we had spoke.

Sure.

Fine.

Whatever.

So, I'll shorten this substantially as the conversation lasted hours, but basically he apologized for how the conversation went as well as for making me feel that way, and I told him "I appreciate it but I really don't need any kind of apology from you. I'm completely over it, and, I'm not saying this to be mean or malicious or anything but, you're dead to me. I can appreciate the friendship that we had, but I am finally at peace, and I understand now that what was will never be again. I don't hold any I'll will towards you; I just don't care about you whatsoever anymore." Which, of course he got emotional, which, ever so slightly did feel good, but mostly I felt entirely indifferent. We had some back and forth, and he gave me a long hug afterwards. 

I'm pretty sure he understands that it's over (mostly because of the long lifetime-movie-style hug at the end) But that was several hours ago, and I'm sure he's pretty well over it by now.

Before all this, I would've been devastated for months. Now? I don't care. It is what it is.

It's scary how quickly I can erase people from my life.

Ah well.

I'm other news, the BF and I have plans to go to his parents this weekend for a birthday dinner for him, but beyond that, I don't have much going on, even with it being a holiday weekend.

I'm down to my last $25, and I've already had to borrow nearly $2,000 from the bf, and it's really starting to come down to the wire and I need to really start thinking about getting a job sooner rather than later. So I suppose I'll have a job again in the next month or two. However I am still completely undecided about.

Ah well.

(Again)

Until next time, take care.

I just didn't have it in me

So I know it's been a while since I updated; I haven't forgotten about you. I just couldn't bring myself to update anything here.

Quick updates;

I left the US for the first time (excluding Canada) we went to Aruba almost two months ago. It was cool.

I went to New Orleans about two weeks ago. I did next to nothing, outside of staying in the hotel room not eating or drinking anything for most of the days. That's quite the fucking drive, I'll tell you that! We got into several arguments and discussions about our relationship while I was there. I have a new light about the future, bit also feel as though this is the beginning of the end. So I guess we'll see where things go over the nest could months or years.

I just had a pretty bad episode of the bipolar yesterday while wrapping up renovations. But his parents are moved in now, so hopefully I get a little bit of time to myself for a while. It was probably one of the worst episodes I've had, but I'm on the come up now. Still not 100% but we're getting there.

And I'm officially in the union as of today (excluding any wait periods and probationary periods). So that's... Well I don't really feel any kind of way about it. Cool I'll get health insurance and job security, but I'm getting to a point of feeling like maybe this job isn't for me. But again, we'll find out where things go with that in time.

That's all I have for you now.

Until next time, take care.

I forgot

So I may or may not have forgot this blog even exists, so that's fun. Allot has happened, but it's mostly the same. Most notably however is I was taking antidepressants for a couple weeks. Not that I was actively being prescribed them, but rather I found them from years ago when I WAS being prescribed them. Turns out, I AM bipolar, and they gave me a couple weeks of mania which is exactly why I was talking them. 9/10 Would definitely recommend. I started cleaning and organizing the absolute shit out of the house. Unfortunately however, I seem to be even more easily distracted in that state of mind. So while some things are absolutely perfect, there's usually a pile of something-i-started-but-got-distracted-and-haven't-gotten-to-again right next to it. Another downside, albeit a more important, is that I definitely had the urge to go nuts on Amazon again; I let myself go a little crazy with it (probably spent $7k in one day) but I'm in a much better financial situation nowadays, and although I can admit that's a lot of money, it is not financially crippling me like I have done to myself in the past. All in all though, I'm glad I was able experience that and ultimately to get so much done. I hate that my default state is so low energy, and always tired, and never motivated.

In other news, he recently bought another house, this one for his parents. So, he's been working on that. I'll probably go over there today, and do something at least for a little bit. I've really just been making him do everything over there because it's just the easy parts (remove wallpaper, drywall repair, paint). Once he's done with that, I'll start the more technical things. 

Lastly, I just want to take a brief moment to acknowledge the fact that it is almost halfway through December, and I'm not SUPER depressed. Like, I'm still on the comedown from the antidepressants, but I think I'm back to my normal lazy piece of shit self, and not actually sliding into depression. So, I mean, that's cool so far.

I could go on for much more, but I've already been going on for over 30 minutes. Furthermore, I'm not checking for errors this time around. Until next time, take care.

Not much of an update

Things have pretty much been the same, with no updates to note. Work has been work. Home is unchanged. Relationship is slightly better, but it's still never really been discussed further. I've been taking antidepressants for a while, and although I can't say they are doing anything, they DO seem to be affecting my sleep alot. But as the bottle gets emptied, and the weather changes I think I'll need to start tanning again soon.

Until next time, take care.

I think the end is near

So I told him I wanted to go to canal fest. He got coverage for work, and we went yesterday and got into an argument because I was texting whilst we were out.

I'm not in a position to talk about it much right now, but I think it's time to start making plans again.