I just didn't have it in me

So I know it's been a while since I updated; I haven't forgotten about you. I just couldn't bring myself to update anything here.

Quick updates;

I left the US for the first time (excluding Canada) we went to Aruba almost two months ago. It was cool.

I went to New Orleans about two weeks ago. I did next to nothing, outside of staying in the hotel room not eating or drinking anything for most of the days. That's quite the fucking drive, I'll tell you that! We got into several arguments and discussions about our relationship while I was there. I have a new light about the future, bit also feel as though this is the beginning of the end. So I guess we'll see where things go over the nest could months or years.

I just had a pretty bad episode of the bipolar yesterday while wrapping up renovations. But his parents are moved in now, so hopefully I get a little bit of time to myself for a while. It was probably one of the worst episodes I've had, but I'm on the come up now. Still not 100% but we're getting there.

And I'm officially in the union as of today (excluding any wait periods and probationary periods). So that's... Well I don't really feel any kind of way about it. Cool I'll get health insurance and job security, but I'm getting to a point of feeling like maybe this job isn't for me. But again, we'll find out where things go with that in time.

That's all I have for you now.

Until next time, take care.

I forgot

So I may or may not have forgot this blog even exists, so that's fun. Allot has happened, but it's mostly the same. Most notably however is I was taking antidepressants for a couple weeks. Not that I was actively being prescribed them, but rather I found them from years ago when I WAS being prescribed them. Turns out, I AM bipolar, and they gave me a couple weeks of mania which is exactly why I was talking them. 9/10 Would definitely recommend. I started cleaning and organizing the absolute shit out of the house. Unfortunately however, I seem to be even more easily distracted in that state of mind. So while some things are absolutely perfect, there's usually a pile of something-i-started-but-got-distracted-and-haven't-gotten-to-again right next to it. Another downside, albeit a more important, is that I definitely had the urge to go nuts on Amazon again; I let myself go a little crazy with it (probably spent $7k in one day) but I'm in a much better financial situation nowadays, and although I can admit that's a lot of money, it is not financially crippling me like I have done to myself in the past. All in all though, I'm glad I was able experience that and ultimately to get so much done. I hate that my default state is so low energy, and always tired, and never motivated.

In other news, he recently bought another house, this one for his parents. So, he's been working on that. I'll probably go over there today, and do something at least for a little bit. I've really just been making him do everything over there because it's just the easy parts (remove wallpaper, drywall repair, paint). Once he's done with that, I'll start the more technical things. 

Lastly, I just want to take a brief moment to acknowledge the fact that it is almost halfway through December, and I'm not SUPER depressed. Like, I'm still on the comedown from the antidepressants, but I think I'm back to my normal lazy piece of shit self, and not actually sliding into depression. So, I mean, that's cool so far.

I could go on for much more, but I've already been going on for over 30 minutes. Furthermore, I'm not checking for errors this time around. Until next time, take care.

Not much of an update

Things have pretty much been the same, with no updates to note. Work has been work. Home is unchanged. Relationship is slightly better, but it's still never really been discussed further. I've been taking antidepressants for a while, and although I can't say they are doing anything, they DO seem to be affecting my sleep alot. But as the bottle gets emptied, and the weather changes I think I'll need to start tanning again soon.

Until next time, take care.

I think the end is near

So I told him I wanted to go to canal fest. He got coverage for work, and we went yesterday and got into an argument because I was texting whilst we were out.

I'm not in a position to talk about it much right now, but I think it's time to start making plans again.

Same as before

So, after vacation things were weird. I was constantly stressed about the end of the relationship, and it hadn't been discussed, so after some time, I bright it up. To summarize, he doesn't want to break up but he was just mad about intimacy problems, which we've always had.

I was still on edge for a while, but things seem to be back to how they were. Which, isn't the BEST, but it's fine.

In other news, the driveway we were supposed to get starting the last day of vacation? Yeah we still don't have a fucking driveway. $40k and for what. I hate confrontation so I'm trying to stay out of it. So far the whole driveway has been removed, and we have about 100sqft poured. Whatever.

Also, in other news, I re-met my estranged sister today. She's in town for her birthday, so we went to some restaurant that I couldn't really eat anything on the menu. But I powered through, ate things I shouldn't have, and promptly shit my pants as soon as I got home.

I also should be meeting my other estranged sister in a few days. I haven't seen her in nearly 25 years, so that'll be interesting, I'm sure.

Beyond that, I did yard work all day today at home, and have more yard work to do tomorrow at one of the rentals, as well as at one of the buildings that work owns. That last one is going to be a weekly thing, essentially, to get more hours, after hours. Which beats having to do it while at work I suppose.

Also, I may have a warrant because I forgot to handle my speeding ticket last month, so I'll have to figure that out this week.

Beyond that, I don't have much going on.

No depression.

Still smoking.

Still doing the same shit.

Until next time,

Take care.