Thursday, July 4, 2013

Giving it All Up, I'm Becoming a Wallflower

This week I promised myself I wouldn't swear, I wouldn't use twitter, and I wouldn't consume fast food. This is harder than quitting smoking was, holy cow.

Oddly enough, giving up twitter was the hardest, and still is. Granted, I've been more lenient on the terms in which I could or couldn't use twitter. For example, originally I promised myself absolutely no twitter, whatsoever. However, as the days progressed, I started "stalking" my close friends profiles, out of sheer loneliness, but never actually logging in to twitter. But of course, I had to step it up once more, and then I logged on once to change my profile picture. Since then, I promised myself absolutely no twitter, and also upped the ante on both twitter, and fast food. The rule change has now been set to "No twitter/fast food until I'm no longer dependent." Dear god, give me strength.

The profanity is a different story. I have also decided I'm going to go without profanity until I don't naturally have the mouth of a sailor. Which, that's cool and all, three cheers for self control, but there's a problem. I don't even notice when I do it most of the time, but when I do, I just get mad at myself, but that's actually all that happens. I get mad for a swift moment, and just move along like nothing happened. I'm going to need to figure out some other way to stop this.

Yeah it's hard to do all this, especially at once, but man, the lack of twitter? That is difficult. I've grown SO accustomed to just saying anything and everything that's on my mind, and now if I just say my thoughts. Who am I going to tell? Myself? I look like the biggest schizophrenic. I have no one to tell. I've just had to keep everything to myself, and I feel so numb from doing so.

Granted, finding this numbness was actually a spark in disguise. Becoming numb from having given up twitter, has made me think. How can someone become so attached to a thing, a website. Like, twitter is just kind of 'there', and yet, I miss it like when one of your best school friends transfers schools. You know they're out there somewhere, but it's not really plausible to keep in tough with them, eventually they'll move on and be just a memory.

I have pretty much come to terms with my drastic personification of twitter, but the more weighing thought I've been having is one I've carried with me as long as I can remember, and that's that I am a horrible, needy, conniving, liar. It seems as though I am always up to something, and though I usually don't act on it because I know it's bad, immoral, or not right, the fact that I still have the thoughts drives me absolutely insane. People tell me to think positively, look at it like "well at least you didn't act upon the thoughts" but frankly, it's just not enough for me. I want to be a wholly good person, but I still have countless flaws that I keep heavily surveilled to ensure they never get out of control. I know they're there though, and it frightens me.

I find it a bit odd that a loss of twitter has pushed me to remember my character flaws, but hey, I'm not really questioning it, I'm busy trying to find myself. Yes, I know the following statement is going to reiterate personifying websites but, It feels nice to put that into words and get that out of my system though. So thank you--err.. me? Whatever. Maybe someone will read this one day, then I won't have to be so confused as to who or what I'm thanking.

Wednesday, July 3, 2013

A Letter to You

I guess while I'm on the subject of apologies, I'd like to direct an apology to you for having posted about you so much. I would also like to apologize for this post, and any possible other posts that may mention you in them; I will not stop blogging about you, or anyone in my life. I use this blog as a way to express myself, and I write to it almost as if I were writing to a distant friend. If something happens in my life, whether it includes others or not, it's pretty much fair game.

I would also like to apologize for all of the games, the jealousy, and the problems I have caused; I know it hasn't exactly been smooth sailing. However, I will not apologize for all of that here. I have told you time and time again how sorry I am for all that. It has long since been annoying for me, so I can only imagine how bothersome it has been for you constantly telling me to "chillax".

Lastly, I wanted to semi-apologize for not saying this to you directly, but I told you I'd give you space, so this is the best I can do for now. I don't want you to think I'm playing games, I'm simply using the resources I have at hand, having given up twitter and all. Though, I guess it's best that I don't make indirect messages directed at you on twitter, seeing how we have already fought about that; I learned my lesson

Some Adulthood, Huh? Sorry.

Once upon a time, a young aspiring teenager had an idea. This young aspiring teenager was me, and the idea? To start a blog; a blog so share what it's like to live through them awkward teenage years, and them young adult years, and call it 'To Start Adulthood'.

There have been a couple extended absences since the actual start of this blog, but I've still managed to come back. This last time I came back, I decided to hide all the old posts, and just start over; a sort of grand re-opening if you will. Then, there was a problem... I fell for someone.

Though I know not many (if any) people read this; and to be honest, I kind of like it like that, but if anyone out there does read this, they would very quickly realize that since this grand reopening, I have only posted the nonsense I have been trapped in.

Yes, I've fallen for people before, but never like this. I have never been so absolutely infatuated with someone, and quite frankly, it is disturbing, revolting, disgusting, etc. It has been unpleasant to say the least. Not only because I have lost myself somewhere in all of this, but also because I meant to start this blog on the right foot. You know, give it some depth, something actually worth reading, and it has turned into 24/7 boy problems & complaining.

It was never my intention to hit so hard on this one subject, or any subject really; it's just kind of happened that way, and I'd like to give an informal apology for doing such. I'm sorry. I'm currently in the process of finding myself, so hopefully I'll be able to go back to the person I know, and everything will be right in the world, and in my blog. All I ask for, is time. Thank you.

Friday, June 28, 2013

Blast to the past; I'm Not Even Bitter

I decided to look back at old posts, and saw one about falling for princess. As I read it, everything was so relevant to my current infatuation. Granted things this time around are slightly different. For example, Brundy is WAY more bangin' than princess ever was, Brundy wasn't stringing me along for as long as princess was (if at all, but I'm not willing to even ask about it, because I'd like to keep the past, THE PAST if at all possible), and lastly, Brundy is a homosexual, not a closetfag bicurious sex addict like princess.

However, in finding the differences in these two situations, I also noticed remarkably similar traits. The most disappointing, and irritating one being how ABSOLUTELY LOSE MY MIND, HEAD-OVER-HEELS BONKERS I seem to get when I fall for somebody. Princess was the first, Wazzy was second, and third was Brundy; and of course falling for him was the hardest hit, which is saying something, 'coz even lusting after princess, I was DATING Tyler.

Its no worries though, because even though I'd really love if Brundy and I became an item, I fully understand that it's never going to happen, and I'm just wishful thinking. Not only that, but weeks ago (when I came to that conclusion), I also concluded that I'm willing to walk away from Brundy empty handed, so long as he is happy with whatever endeavour, whether it be single life, this Canadian love interest, or just plain not being with me (because really, I get it, I'm gross). I just keep telling myself that old saying of "if you love something, let it go. If it comes back, it's yours to keep forever". I'm really not expecting that last part though. The only way any of this would change would be if he came to me looking for some sort of relationship, otherwise I will just be the best possible friend I can be to him because thats what he deserves. In the meantime, I'll do my best to wait it out 'till someone else comes around.

Sunday, June 23, 2013

Frusterated... Oop. It's Been a While.

I hate that my foundation is built solely on needy whining & bitching. I am absolutely disgusted by just how neurotic I am. I keep asking "Why can't I be laid back, like him?" Granted the whole "like him" part is only a recent addition, but I've always noticed myself being much more uptight about the majority of things when compared to others' reactions. I'm sure there's some benefit to it, but in this moment, I cannot see the potential benefits.

I am losing my mind again over this schmuck, and I hate it. We're supposed to hook-up Wednesday when we swap vehicles; he even suggested I top so he'll "cum like a geyser". That sounds cool and all, but not only has he fallen through every-single-god-damn-time we've had ANY sort of plans over the past few weeks, but weekdays he goes to work at 6AM. That Wednesday morning, I'll be getting out of work at 7AM, and leaving town in his vehicle at noon. Say what you may, but I do believe that this planned hook-up is NOT going to work. It's going to be hard enough just to get a moment of his time to swap vehicles.

Also, he doesn't seem to realize that just getting a text from him makes my head spin. Laying next to him makes my heart race. But PENETRATING him? Oh my god. I'm getting hot just thinking about it. Not sexually, no, but LITERALLY hot. Damn anxiety. I've never topped before. I've never been IN to somebody like this before. I think I just might die. What the hell.

Lastly, I apologize to all of the zero people who actually read this. It's been FAR longer than I had thought since my last post. Hopefully I can keep up with posting semi-regularly this time around. Maybe I can finish off the year making posts more frequently than every two weeks or more. The problem is, is I don't want to FORCE the posts, just to have content; not that I'm creating QUALITY content here, but I would at least like to look back, and not just read garbage (yes, I know just posting bitching thoughts is just about garbage), but hopefully I'll be able to look back and smile or something. Who knows..