Unmotivated

Not much has gone on lately. Most recently, I thought I had glaucoma the other day but has since passed, and I still need to get that checked out. 

Before that, I've been getting fits of rage that I don't know how to control, and have just been internalizing it. I briefly looked in to professional help but was overwhelmed by the amount of choice. Through my search, I started looking into getting a PCP, but again was overwhelmed by the options, and opted to ignore it like a true millennial would.

In relation to that, we're having tenant problems and I was absolutely furious that he left me alone to deal with it by myself. I haven't talked to him about it, and until writing this I thought I was over it, but I'm having a visceral response internally, so clearly I still feel strongly about it. However, that doesn't change the fact that I don't know how to go about bringing it up and not getting a disappointing response that will send me off the deep end, so I guess I will just continue to internalize that as well.

Currently, I'm rather addicted to my phone, specifically, short form video content (ie. TikToks, but I don't have nor do I use TikTok specifically).

Also there's been an extended period within my relationship of a lack of intimacy, and sexual behaviors, which, I'm bearing the burden of, and not knowing how to really do anything about it, whilst also being fearful he'll be unfaithful soon.

I'm general, I'm not in a great place mentally. Vacation is nearly a month away, but I'm just eager for winter to end, as I really don't have the will to get out of bed, or do anything other than sleep. I'm clearly having signs of depression, and either not knowing how, or not wanting to fix the situation. I'm just stuck in purgatory for now. 

I know this too shall pass, yet in the interim, it fucking sucks.

Haven't forgotten about this blog yet, but just don't have the will to post here much as of late. Hopefully I'll get at least one more update before vacation.

Until then, take care.